I have $2.33 in my wallet and $140 in my checking account for the next two weeks. I don’t know how I got here. I feel heavy with responsibility and completely powerless all at the same time.
I’m responsible for two little lives that I love with every fiber of my being.
They depend on me to be there, and I am every day. But the cost of living sure ain’t cheap. Sacrifices and budgeting down to the penny is a must, in order for me to be home with my kids. I get that. What I wasn’t prepared for was how hard it is for a family of four to survive on one income. I wasn’t prepared to feel like I had no one to depend on to watch the kids so I can go back to work. Having to figure out how to make money in between the long hours I spend taking care of my family every day is daunting, to say the least. After spending the last ten years inside these four walls raising babies — I don’t know what I’m qualified to do anymore.
My elderly cat has diabetes, and I can’t afford his insulin. The kids need new shoes. And I desperately need to finish grocery shopping today, but the anxiety of what meals are going to cost for the next two weeks is keeping me from going. I wasn’t prepared for this sinking feeling today. When I don’t know what else to do, I write. I choose gratitude when I feel like I need so much more.
In the grand scheme of things, I am grateful for my little struggles. I am thankful that my husband has a job. A good job that allows me to do what I do. And I am grateful for that $142.33.
I am pleasantly surprised at the gym for graciously giving me a membership at a quarter of the price. I’m kind of speechless for the opportunity to have an identity outside of motherhood after many years of working out in the garage while the kids were napping.
It makes me a better mom, so everyone wins. I am grateful for the few hours of quiet time to write while my daughter is in school, and getting to spend the summer being barefoot with my kids.
I am grateful for everything I have.
I needed to write my way out of anxiety today to gain some perspective.
Everything will be okay. I’m just being dramatic.
Thank you for listening. ❤ D
A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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