Yes, there is a third reason not to give Christmas gifts. If reasons one and two were insufficient perhaps reason three will be more convincing. Are you ready for this? Drum roll please! Here we go! The third reason that you should just say no to Christmas gifts is that the “season of giving” is actually a season of “schizophrenia”.
Schizophrenia you say? Don’t worry though. I don’t expect you to have considered Schizophrenia’s connection with Christmas gifts. The thing about Schizophrenia is that generally, people who are schizophrenic are just like you – unaware of the signs, symptoms, and complications of the illness.
It Wasn’t A Manger in Bethlehem But I Did Stay At A Holiday Inn Express
For the record, I’m not a doctor but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. As such, I have to break the unfortunate news that you are unsuspectingly in a stage of the psychological disorder Schizophrenia. Sadly, you are one of the millions that are suffering as the Christmas season is truly a time of increased mental illness both figuratively and literally.
For the moment, I’m only going to share with you the figurative diagnosis of your illness. This is the part where we discuss your inability to reason and think clearly.
Figurative Mental Illness Caused by Christmas Gifts
Although this part of the schizophrenic discussion is a bit tongue in cheek, it is no less serious. We are schizophrenic because it is our American custom to just do it because everyone else is doing it or because it has always been done. We are an intellectually lazy people. A people who have been raised by intellectually lazy parents – parents who are now raising intellectually lazy children and grandchildren.
Before you get offended by my “intellectually lazy” assertion, take the abbreviated version of the Christmas Gift Schizophrenia Examination (CGSE). The CGSE is a short examination. You have 5 minutes to complete the examination. You may begin now!
- Name the date and location of the first Christmas (You may not answer 2000 years ago in a manger in Bethlehem)
- Provide the etymological origin of the word Christmas. (For the non-Mensa members etymology is the history, meaning, form, and origin of the word for which you go into great debt celebrating)
- Explain who and why non-Christians – long before 2000 years ago – had festivals and celebrations during the same time Christians celebrate Christmas gift giving today. (Yes, someone else “saved the date” first)
- Discuss the origin of the Christmas (evergreen) tree and share your thoughts on the existence of evergreen trees growing in Bethlehem. (I heard a story about a bunny delivering colored eggs in the springtime; would you be so kind to explain that as well)
- Provide clarity on the role of Santa Claus in that manger 2000 years ago in Bethlehem. Was Santa working as an Obstetrician? Did Mrs. Claus wrap lights around the manager to illuminate the delivery?
- Describe the origin and role of Rudolph, Frosty, Santa’ elves and the other current centralized Christmas thematic characters. (There is a rumor about three wise men but the aforementioned figures don’t seem to fit the description)
- Relate the total number of toys, clothes, blankets, sandals, horses, and other gifts given to the original Christmas birthday boy as compared to what you will give and expect to receive on Christmas. Bye the way, can you tell me where I can pick up some gold, frankincense and myrrh?
Time is up! Stop! Put your pencils down! I could give you more time but I have a sneaky suspicion that the answers are not going to improve. So I guess it is a good thing that this self-examination is like all other self-examinations – an examination that is off the record and one that you get to keep to yourself.
Now that you have taken the CGSE, I trust you will acknowledge that you share the signs of schizophrenia – an inability to think clearly evidenced by the lack of understanding and disinterest to know about the history and origin around why you do what you do. WARNING: The figurative schizophrenia is also coupled with an annual pretense that it’s okay to blindly shop and spend and robotically eat and drink without rhyme or reason.
Thank God (Christmas pun intended) we don’t expect our children to follow our schizophrenic Christmas lead in their daily life – participating in irrational activities and doing what everyone else is doing without knowing or caring to know what or why we are participating in them.
Previously Published on The RS Project