Four months before our relationship ended with me getting a goodbye email, my now ex-girlfriend decided on her own and out of the blue that we were going on an intimacy hiatus. There was no real, solid explanation and no indication of when this was to end. It was frustrating and it hurt, but I loved her for who she was and knowing intimacy is only part of a relationship, it didn’t make me angry or upset.
To say that I was knocked off my feet by this revelation was an understatement. We had known each other for about ten months before we started dating and had built an amazing friendship. When we began dating, everything, from the foundation of a solid friendship to a great shared intimacy and everything in between, was amazing. Eventually, we each in love with the other and were seemingly incredibly happy.
Let me be clear that by intimacy I do not mean sex. Intimacy takes many forms. For me, I’m talking about more than just casual cuddling on the couch and a quick peck on the lips. That is intimacy, but I guess I consider that more of a casual intimacy that is generally part of the day-to-day relationship between two people.
The intimacy I’m referring to is spending a few moments kissing deeply and enjoying that connection with your significant other. It means sharing a closeness in some form with one another that is special, romantic, and yes, it also means sex.
To me, sex is way more than a physical act and I know that doesn’t make me a typical guy. I feel like sex is as much, if not more, about that connection with your partner and that bond you feel when you’re at your most vulnerable with each other. That feeling is something that I want, it’s something that I crave (when I’m in a relationship with someone that I genuinely love) and it’s something that I desperately missed.
I’ve often been told that I have too many feelings to be a guy and that I’m often more like the girl in the relationship. Many people don’t mean it as a compliment, but I think I’m OK with it. I mean, I’d rather have feelings and be able to express them than to not have feelings or to have them and not be able to express them.
Why didn’t this forced hiatus make me angry or upset? Because our bodies are our own, even in a relationship, and we each have the right to say no when we want to. Why it was “no” for as long as it was is still a bit of a puzzle and a disappointment (because I missed that connection and that bond) but she absolutely had (and still does) the right to do with her body as she wants. I’ve told her as much on several occasions.
At times I was vocal about wanting to get back to where we were in regard to the intimate part of our relationship and somehow, I fear that only made things worse. I know that it made her uncomfortable and she’s made it crystal clear that talking about intimacy in any form, for some reason made her uncomfortable, though I’m still not fully sure why.
Being that I have as many feelings as I do, I naturally want to talk and understand, but sadly that’s just didn’t happen. That’s the downside to having as many feelings as I do. You want to understand and know, and when you don’t or can’t, it hurts.
In the last few months, there were some small attempts at intimacy, but they didn’t go well, and at the time it appeared as if things had taken a step backward rather than moving forward. I wish I knew why.
The last few months we were together my love for her never waned, though I did miss our connection and that special bond that I felt so many times before. We (both people in the couple) deserve the feeling of knowing someone cares for them and of having the satisfaction of showing their partner they care just as much.
What about you? Have you ever had a similar situation with your significant other? Share it with us and let us know how you both handled it and how it worked out in the long run. Your insight can help others.
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