Now is the perfect time to make something in the kitchen with your children! Join me on this magical adventure as I show you how to make homemade applesauce.
Start with picking the right kind of apples. For this recipe, we chose the popular Red Delicious apples that had been sitting on the table for a week. Fun fact about this type of apple, they are indeed very red and very not delicious! This is why no one has touched them.
Take care and patience as you peel the apple, core it, mess up and cut your finger, and get a bandaid. Your cussing gives passion to this applesauce! Give your peelings to your children because they are all out of crafting supplies. Artwork that rots is ever so much fun and a very good idea.
Cube the apple but don’t let the exact damsons really worry you. Whatever you mess up can just go on the fruit art that your child has now completed.
Fill a pot with about 3/4 cup of water and a splash of alcohol. It’s kinda like prison wine, but with less restrictions and FDA approval. The alcohol will help kill any bacteria from your now rotten fruit. Safety first in this household.
Throw the apples in the pot to “simmer”. No one is sure how hot a simmer really is so let your teenage daughter pick a number one through ten. Whatever she picks is the right temperature.
As the apples and alcohol-water begin to simmer or boil, now is the time to add the sugar! Sugar is the true heart of the recipe. To figure out how much, take a fistful, double that, and eat it raw. Once you have confirmed that you have diabetes, you know exactly how much to add to the simmering pot.
Now is the time to add the spices. What you are really looking for is cinnamon because that makes everything taste better. It reminds you of Grandma’s purse. Once you give up on the cinnamon because you can’t find it, start wondering if the ten-year-old nutmeg is a good substitute. Probably, but throw in ginger as well. They should combine to give you a cinnamon-like taste. Cooking is a creative exercise so flex those muscles!
Add one more grain of sugar.
Cover the pot and go sit down in your favorite chair. Take a minute to appreciate how much you’ve done during quarantine. You’ve homeschooled, written articles, and cleaned the house.
You’ve given up all your space to your now work-from-home wife, chased the dog as he chased a squirrel, and taught your middle son your nutmeg/ginger combo. You smell that? Yup, that smells like accomplishment! You’ve kept this family together and entertained during difficult times.
It’s also the smell of burning water. Who knew that was even a thing?
Run back to your pot and grab it directly with your bare hand. The burns are just manly reminders that you have everything under control and you’re not freaking out at all. Soak your burns in more sugar.
Look into the pot and see the magic happen. Is applesauce supposed to be black? Yours is, big guy! Look at you go! Stir it a bit and figure that at the very least, this mixture will make some great roofing tar. Take a taste and decide what’s that secret ingredient you are missing.
More sugar! Great guess!
Pretend to clean the kitchen for twenty minutes as the pot simmers and the water burns. That’s roughly four Metallica songs. When you get to Nothing Else Matters, your applesauce should be close to done.
Remove the pot from the stove and grab your potato masher. You’ll have the same thought I did. Why mash when you have an industrial grinder! Pour the almost applesauce into the grinder and push the big button. When the motor gives out, take the top off and look at what you created.
To serve, pour the goo in separate bowls and present the Red Delicious Homemade Isolation Applesauce to your children. You know they are going to love it when they begin to argue who is going to take the first taste. Bask in the glory of another job well done on quarantine.
When you’re wife comes down and asks what’s on fire, reassure her that you just made roofing tar and that you’ll be in the garage for a bit. Tomorrow is another great cooking day and you just found yeast at the grocery store.
Who’s ready to make artisan bread that doubles as a brick!