It’s OK to Not Be Okay Today

I’ll them you’re detail-oriented, reliable…loyal.

This was supposed to a compliment, but I wasn’t feeling the love.

He had an open position already. And if I was such a great employee, why wasn’t I being considered?

But he continued. Listing other departments that I’d be a great fit for. That only he had my best interest at heart. If he was acting, he was a good actor. If he was serious, ugh, it’s far more difficult to hate him.

And that’s when I realized I’d done it again.

I was back on my self-sabotage bullshit.

. . .

I’m a lot better than I was a year ago. I know that, but I’m also self-aware enough to know I’m a little too self-aware sometimes. And while it’s been a journey to admit my faults and work through them, that kinda work can slip into some pretty negative territory if you let it.

Today it feels like the world is at a standstill. It feels like I’m putting good in over and over and over. It feels like every day I wake up and I’m still making sure my shirt is perfectly tucked in, the right foods are going in my stomach and I dump that heap of collagen powder into my coffee.

There are many reasons to be blessed, sure. But there are just those days where a long run at the gym or a conversation with a friend still can’t shake that feeling of not being enough.

Not working hard enough. Not having that extra degree. Not eating clean enough. Never getting where you want to go and instead of sitting my ass down to appreciate all of the wins, I’m stuck in the losses.

I don’t have any uplifting advice, but I’m trying to remember something I heard on a podcast on the way home. And I haven’t figured out why it struck me today. It just did.

We all want to be over there so bad. There’s this phrase. ‘Bloom where you’re planted’. Set down roots here. Be strong here.

I’m trying Mr. Podcaster. I’m really trying.

This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.

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