I’m Pandemic Parenting and I’m Totally Not Flipping Out

I am totally ok!  Totally! Totally ok!  In no way am I concerned about my children’s future, haha, don’t worry about that eye twitch it was already there before the international pandemic.  So yeah, I’m doing just peachy.

Is the world burning?  Not literally.  Well, not anymore.  Did Australia make it?  I really hope so because I like their moxie.  Anyway, parenting during a pandemic has certainly caused us to change a lot.  I mean, our normal anxieties seem so quaint now, right?  But don’t worry, I am handling this totally great.  The lack of sleep is really making me productive!

Going to the grocery store is fine, too.  I really like to see all the people without masks on so we can pretend things are normal.  It really does make me feel better.  Like I tell my kids, imagination play is important.  I think I really appreciate those people that have a mask on only their chin.  That’s the kind of half-assery that is in no way causing me more parenting anxiety.

Finding our new normal as a family has been tough, but I think we are doing pretty well.  The good news is that I’m bald so there is no hair there to fall out.  My ear hair is coming out in clumps though but I’m pretty sure that’s not stress-related.  Overall, I’m really proud of the way I’m coping with the kids constantly asking me why they couldn’t go back to school to see their friends.  I’ve only cried like ten or twenty times.  I’m pretty proud of myself.

When you see me on the street from a safe six feet away, you’ll see that I’m handling things with a very optimistic attitude.  Heck, you’ll even hear me humming, the sign of any well-adjusted parent.  If you pay attention, you may recognize the song.  “Gimme Shelter” by the Rolling Stones.

When I sing, I just say the title over and over again.

Sure, things are rough with everyone in the house all the time now.  My wife has taken over my normal office space to do her job.  My daughter took my secondary workspace at the kitchen table.  My son needed my writing chair because it was the best place to do math.  And my youngest, of course, found the best place to do his schoolwork was where he could constantly kick me in the junk.

The one thing I love as a parent is never, ever, ever, being alone.  My mental health hasn’t taken a hit at all.

I am still able to get loads of work done at midnight when everyone is asleep.  That’s what I like about being a parent writer, the constant jitters make my fingers move super fast.  I’m more productive than I’ve been in years.  Last week alone I wrote a 12 book series about a dystopian future that came about because of bad leadership, conspiracy theory public policy, and a spunky dog named Charlie.  I’ll make millions with it and will eventually be able to afford health care which is pretty important during a pandemic.  I’m not worried, at all.  Not worried.  Nope, totally not worried.  Ha Ha, life is great.

My wife and I have started playing a new game to pass the time.  We see which re-opened state turns the most red by the next day.  Question though, can Florida really be considered a dark horse candidate?  Any state that deals with gators for fun seems to me the type of state that doesn’t much care about safety.  So we don’t watch Florida, anymore.

Fundamentally, life has changed and it’s taken its toll on all of us.  Even small acts of kindness seem lost in the constant yelling.  Protests against police violence are met with, wait for it, more police violence.  I try to make my wife and kids laugh.  I have long conversations with all of them about what’s going on.  I try to give them a shining ray of light hold onto.  I joke.  I smile.

And I am totally doing ok.  Unrelated, but does the Amazon Alexa have a therapy skill?



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