I am living, but I am hiding. It has been so long since I have felt like writing, but it is not just writing, it has been reading, art, really any of my passions. I feel like I am standing in a river and the water around me is still flowing, yet somehow I am still standing still, paused, maybe lost? The truth hit me just before when I heard the word ‘hope‘ and I realised that is what I am truly missing.
It was like hearing that one simple word knocked me over. Hope. I have somehow lost my sense of hope. Not in the sense of the world, it is so hard for me to put into words, yet for the first time in a long time I feel compelled to write. Like realising that I have been stuck has somehow released me.
I am not foolish enough to think I am suddenly ok, I am not, not right now anyhow, but to type these words feels like a good start to getting back to me. I picked up my sketch book the other night and again tonight, I have spent the last couple of hours sitting on my living room floor sketching, and writing poetry, just me and a candle burning and feeling like I have no idea what I need right now. My weekdays are consumed with homeschooling, and my son who is currently my little shadow and with my husband working from home all sorts of crazy and lengthy hours and please know I am so grateful that we are safe and have this little old home. I have just lost touch with me along the way.
I am sure I am not alone in this, it is a strange and difficult time for all of us, life got put on hold in so many ways, and although for some this has meant time to find themselves, for others it has meant losing themselves. I am thinking though, that maybe some of us need to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves again, or to bloom in a different way?
I didn’t realise how lonely I have been feeling until I have had time to stop and think today. Maybe in part I am feeling this way as it was my best friends birthday this week and knowing I will never hear her voice, or feel her warm hug again has left me feeling a lot of pain. Isn’t it funny that we can have so many people in our lives and so many friends, yet no amount of people, even with all their amazing qualities put together, can ever come close to replacing that one person that you have lost forever.
I feel like tonight I just needed to write, and I apologise for a lack of direction, or a point to all of this for you, but thank you for being here in this little space on the internet, for standing by me even when I have barely written in so long, but even just writing down my feelings here has started to give me hope again.
This little space is where I can be honest and with opening up my wish is that you will be able to open up too, that if by chance you are feeling lonely, missing someone, or feeling a bit lost you will know you are not alone. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy. Take care and thanks for reading,
You can follow me on my life journey on Instgarm @pretty_little_squares_ … You can also use the hashtags #livingfearlesslyauthentic and #mummyshot to get some extra instagram love from me. All photographs on Instagram are my own.