A previously undiscovered version of the Christian Bible was recently unearthed during a renovation beneath the bathroom of a Louisville, Kentucky Chick-Fil-A. This new ‘MAGA Translation,’ contains the ‘Gospel According to Don,’ and the ‘Book of 2 Republicans.’ The text’s origins are said to have been dated around the time of the 2016 Presidential Campaign, just after Donald Trump secured the GOP nomination.
Below are excerpts from the just-released “new-and-improved testament”—which is already available on the White House website, at NRA meetings, Southern Baptist churches, straight pride parades, and your local homophobic bakery:
2 Republicans, Chapter 1, verse 1:
In the Beginning, Don created fake news.
On the first day he manufactured emergencies, demonized Muslims, attacked the Free Press, praised Putin, ranted about Obama, spewed racists epithets, and screamed at windmills.
The other six days he played golf and tweeted out abject nonsense, littered with factual errors, grammar abominations and spelling errors.
2 Republicans, Chapter 1, Verse 11-13:
“White Jesus declared, ‘You will call yourself ‘pro-life.’ In doing so, you will be able to ignore death to migrants, Muslims, people of color, LGBTQ human beings, the poor and sick, mass shooting victims—and the planet itself. Life beyond embryos that you force women to carry to term—is not actually life.”
2 Republicans, Chapter 5, verse 6:
“Faith is the evidence of things unseen—like Donald Trump’s Christianity. Despite never uttering a word or doing a thing resembling Jesus of Nazareth, your simple and steadfast declaration of his faith in Christ will be enough to convince easily suggestible believers. Repeat the lie until it becomes the truth.”
The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 7, verse 10:
“In Gun You Trust: God is small and impotent and cannot protect you. You need to be packin’ heat at the grocery store, the little league game, and at church services—because the almighty and omnipotent maker of all things, needs backup from a perpetually-petrified “good guy with a gun, with supremacist delusions, and a jittery disposition.”
The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 9, verse 3:
“And white Jesus said, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself—providing of course, your neighbor is white, was born in America, and votes Republican. Otherwise, screw your neighbor, pad your 401K—and make America great. Thus sayeth the straight, white, Republican LORD.”
2 Republicans, Chapter 9, verse 10:
“And MAGA Jesus said, ‘Men, if your right eye causes you to stumble—always blame the woman. Reprimand her for her clothing choices and for the curves of her body and for her desire to walk around wearing what feels comfortable to her. Never allow your lack of decency, self-control, or toxic misogyny to cost you an ogling eye, when you can simply blame the victim.’ “
The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 11, verse 20:
For what will it profit a man if he does not make a profit? I mean, seriously, that’s what profit means, right?
2 Republicans, Chapter 13, verse 1:
“And the straight, white republican LORD said, ‘I am the LORD your God. You shall have no other Gods before me—well, other than America, the flag, the Anthem, guns, Trump, Supreme Court Seats, the Stock Market, and the GOP… but no other Gods, OK?”
2 Republicans, Chapter 10, verse 2:
“Alt-Right Jesus declared: ‘The only devil is compassion. Caring for people who are suffering or hungry or hurting or sick or alone or poor is a sign of weakness. To hell with the least of these. Tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. That they have no boots, is not your concern.’ “
The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 14: verses 1-10:
And out tweeted the sociopathic prophet of bullies, predators, and bigots:
Hear the MAGA Commandments:
You shall grab women by the genitalia.
You shall declare countries with brown people, shitholes.
You shall declare protesting black NFL players, sons of bitches.
You shall declare undocumented Mexicans, rapists.
You shall declare Muslim politicians, terrorist sympathizers.
You shall call real news, fake—and Fox News, real.
You shall ignore every white mass shooter (which is almost all of them.)
You shall not see women as equals—even if you are a woman.
You shall dehumanize immigrants coming from the South (not the good, European kind.)
You shall ignore Science, and instead use Donald Trump tweets to determine weather patterns.
You shall bow down, not to a Golden Calf—but to an Orange Jackass.
Chapter 23, verse 2:
“For Caucasian God did not so love the world, He so loved America—so much so, that he sent White Jesus to build walls, take away health insurance, ignore climate change, vilify sexual assault survivors, and make the one percent richer.
—or rather, “Ah, White Men.”
Originally Published on JohnPavlovitz.com
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