Last week my girlfriend and I celebrated our third anniversary together.
I want to stop for a second, take a deep breath and acknowledge the fact of us being together.
Together, we’re building something that can be described as a stellar life.
With that being said, I want us to thrive even more as a couple in the following years. So, I took the liberty to put down some notes about the common traps I’ve stumbled upon many times in the previous years.
These are the traps for me to watch out for.
I hope you’ll find them useful for your own long term relationship.
Shutdown when you’re in fear and feeling weak
Two days ago I became anxious after scrolling all over the world wide web like a spider on SpaceX.
I procrastinated with my writing.
I decided not to bother my girlfriend.
Later on, she sensed me being closed.
She felt like I’m not showing up for her.
First, she told me she feels like I don’t notice her.
Then, she got mad. We had a fight. This shit happens at least once a month.
Let’s stop doing this once and for all.
I don’t care if you’re the toughest and meanest Rambo on the planet.
You need to let go of the anxiety you’re holding in.
It doesn’t serve anyone.
I know your Rambo wants to be special and preserve.
However, it will never work.
You think you can handle all of your demons on your own?
You can, but be ready to end up alone in that case.
Being open and vulnerable with her is the road to longevity.
Have regular ego trips
I moved in with Anita after we’d dated for a month.
For the first year, I suffered from egomania.
I didn’t pay attention to the details. Those changes of her hair or how hot she looks in her evening dress vanished.
I thought it’s obvious her hair’s nice.
Well, guess what the busy & needy little me didn’t realize till then?
Women are also insecure like we are. And sometimes much more.
They need us to honor them with our full presence. Their beauty needs a mirror of our attention, affection, physical touch and words.
They need us to be able to sacrifice a bit, put ourselves off the Queen pedestal and make some room for them to sit on it.
Leave your ego where it belongs, in a therapy session or your mother’s voice mail.
It doesn’t belong in a relationship.
Taking her for granted
I used to forget about loving her.
I didn’t say I love you in a way she can feel in every cell of her beautiful body.
Too often I would find myself putting her and us in a #forever category.
There is no such category.
It was invented to make you dumb.
The moment you relax into it, your relationship starts to sink.
We’re doing the work every day or we’re living in some fairy tale parallel reality.
Never assume everything’s fine with your woman.
Expect tornadoes and when they come, learn to love her even more.
Never assume she knows you love her.
Reassure her of that every day of your life.
Remind yourself every morning she’s there and you owe her so much.
Choose her daily.
Or lose her.
Forget to have your pillow talks before and after sex
Intimacy is not about having sex.
I almost fucked up my relationship because I’m a sex maniac.
I used sex to make up, to apologize, to be soft, to be tender and to cover up almost everything.
After having it, I would shut up and go to wash the dishes or do the gardening.
Don’t be afraid to whisper to your woman as I did.
Your sex is amazing?
But sex is only a part of the intimate relationship and sex doesn’t stop when you’re not having sex.
Never crush the space for your pillow talks to happen.
They’re like endless foreplay.
Nothing can replace these.
Suppressing your true passion and libido
I took it easy. At the start of our relationship, I was afraid to take a walk on the wild side.
But we build it up eventually.
One of the benefits of sex in a long-term relationship is being able to fuck your brains out and keep getting crazier at it.
Together, we were able to beat our shame.
Also, don’t be afraid to take full control over your women now and then (with her consent, of course!).
She’ll thank you for it.
Being too much of a badass to enjoy smooth and tender sex like it’s your first time
Feel her when she’s not up for run and gun.
When I notice her being closed, I respect it.
We slow down.
Taking it easy doesn’t mean we’re not having the real deal kind of sex.
She’s gonna need you to protect her sometimes and not to take physical control while having sex.
It’s like a dance.
Respect her role in it and learn how to control your “My name is Buck and I’m here to fuck“ temper.
You’ll become more of a man this way.
Acting like a spoiled kid
Our girlfriends are not our moms.
They’re not gonna take shit from a kid who’s uber cool to get out there, provide and show some intensity.
Life can get tough.
When Grant Cardone bankrupted in 2009., he told his wife Elena about it.
Do you know what she told him?
She told him to take care of it.
Do you know what did he do?
He went into his room and locked himself for a couple of hours. There, he wrote something that would soon become a book to sell worldwide.
He returned back to his wife, pitched her the book and told her not to worry. He was already taking care of them.
Notice when you freeze, allow yourself to act under pressure and practice living in constant motion.
Let tough situations motivate you.
When my girl and I quit our 9 to 5 jobs we were happy but broke. We needed the money yesterday to pay for our food and rent.
I told her not to worry.
I created a workshop, asked my friend to do it under his brand and offered him a decent cut of my earnings.
He did it, he even paid a Facebook ad.
I made enough money for two months in three days.
I’m not like Grant, but I’ll do my frickin best sees when my girl needs me to provide for us.
Learn to step up when the heat is on.
Break your word, honor, and promises
If I said I’ll do something and don’t keep my promise, our relationship is in serious trouble.
I learned this is the quickest way to make her miserable.
As a man, my word is one of my greatest assets.
I didn’t realize it before. No one teaches this stuff where I come from.
So I taught myself. I’m still a work in progress but getting better every day.
Own your word.
Show a lack of respect and be a complete idiot
Who wants to date a guy who doesn’t respect women?
Be a gentleman. Hold the doors for her, carry the bags and fix the stuff you can around the house.
You’re not Trump.
Don’t agree on mutual core values
This one is the most important.
We wouldn’t last for a month if we didn’t align on our core relationship values.
What type of relationship are you building?
The open relationship you say?
What does it mean?
Open like you’re free to go and date other people? Open as swingers? Or open as placing top value on communication, trust, vulnerability and brutal honesty?
You know how things should be.
Make it simple. Define what you’re getting into and see if you’re on the same page.
The butterflies in your stomach will fly away sooner or later anyhow.
Get clear on what you want.
She’s into building a lifelong partnership, and you’re into getting some experience? You’re wasting each other’s time.
Find out what it’s gonna be for you.
Research. Find your relationship role models. Do it together.
Don’t hurt each other because of your sloppiness.
Agree on this, ASAP.
Put your business before your relationship
My relationship is my number one business.
If something’s wrong in my relationship, everything else is imbalanced.
I don’t care what you do.
You could be the CEO of the biggest, fastest-growing start-up in the world.
If you put your business on the pedestal when you meet her, you’re not even in a relationship.
Jon Butcher is a wealthy dude and a serial entrepreneur.
He markets himself as one of the happiest men alive. He’s been with Missy for twenty years. They decided to share their relationship = real and effective work formula with the world and created Lifebook.
When your wife or girlfriend enters the room, you leave what you’re doing immediately and focus on her.
These are Jon’s words.
Don’t ignore your women because of your lawyer.
Your time together is precious. Use it.
She will stand by you and the work will be fine.
We’re still building ourselves and our relationship up as we go.
These are the pivotal booby traps that need to be avoided for us to skyrocket in the next three years:
- be open to vulnerability to create expansion
- handle your ego like a pro
- choose her every day
- master intimacy (it can always be more of it)
- master sex (it can always be better)
- grow up
- be honorable
- keep your word and promises
- be a gentlemen
- agree on mutual core values
- make your relationship your number one business
You owe it to her and to yourself to give the best you’ve got.
Together, you can become indestructible.
Go and make it happen.