Congruence in Relationships

The YouTuber asked, “What do women want?”

We want someone that illustrates congruence is what I’ve come to find after ruminating on the question for approximately seven quarantine days (which is a decade in regular days). Let’s talk facts, in geometry, congruent figures act as mirrors giving shape to exactly the same size on each side. In love, congruence is when someone’s actions mirror their words. As women, we look at a man’s efforts to determine the answer to the most critical question, “Do I see a future with him?”

Beyond attraction, similar values, lifestyle preferences, a woman seeks out a man that she can depend on. We have done this since the beginning of civilization. Instinctually, women looked to men’s words to be in congruence with their actions, in the case of reproduction, we want to ensure our offspring will survive. We look at your actions and words to evaluate whether or not you are worthy of mating. That is our simple homo sapien brain preserving our genetics and survival. So when you say you are going to text us and you don’t, minus one on the subconscious reproductive reliability score — know that.

Let me zoom in on the importance of congruence a bit more. Beyond instinct, as we fall in love with you, we look to see if words and actions are incongruent to answer the second question, “Can I trust him?” Depending on the answer we either let you in or hold back something more to be desired. But let’s be honest, women get a bad rap in American culture for being crazy, jealous, suspicious, and more. True. Also true, we are deeply intuitive creatures that can read through the word diarrhea of any excuses very, very well. Women can sense incongruence a mile away and once we see it, we obsess on it.

When the mirroring image (the man) does not hold true to form, we can tell. We notice every hint of distortion as our love bends around the obvious imbalance. Over time, women keep score of how often, you as a man, do not live up to your word. The question floats to the top of our brain, “Am I safe loving him?”

This isn’t all anecdotal, I once dated a man that said a lot of things and didn’t live up to them. I moved on, and he was surprised. He moved around our dinner plans, he committed to ideas and never made good on them, and eventually, he cheated on me (he didn’t know that I knew). I knew from the first time that man flaked that we would never last, so why did I stay? I stayed the same reason your friend does in her two and a half years fling — we keep a running score on how many times the words and actions don’t match, and we hope to all that is good that the odds land in our lover’s favor. We are rooting for you, I promise.

No one is perfect, and women definitely give the benefit of the doubt, but when your words and actions match up less and less, you have eroded our trust unknowingly. We hold out, hoping the score will get better. Please, realize this is a grace period; it lasts anywhere between a week and two years in a relationship depending on the severity of our lover’s inconsistencies. During the grace period, we are sweet, we give even more than fathomable and this is usually us giving you the benefit of the doubt. But if more alarms go off, it is time to go and we sense that too.

Recognize how often the small things you say to the woman you love do not come to fruition. Understand, even if you are an incredible man, which I am sure you are, understand that she acknowledges every commitment unfulfilled. Bring awareness to the idea that each time you say you will fold the laundry and you don’t. I am not suggesting you spill over with a sense of guilt, just be aware. Women look at men to lead and this is part of that burden. What we don’t wonder is if we are comparable to the laundry you put off, “When I’m no longer exciting, will he treat me like the laundry? Will he leave me because he doesn’t want to do the simple work? Is loving him safe for me?”

Don’t get me wrong, women mess up all the time in this same area of congruence. I only have the authority to speak for what incongruence does on our side of the equation. Ultimately, when the people we love begin to have words and actions that do not connect, something goes off in our homo sapien brains, and we search for red flags. Is it time to fight, fly, or freeze, we wonder? Remember that time a lover searched your phone? I can tell you right now that something you said, did not match something you did. Or the time that woman ghosted you? When we feel disconnected from truth, it is as if an intruder has entered our (potential or actual) relationship, and we, like fighter-T cells, seek to put an end to the existence of whatever is attacking relational harmony.

Love is ultimately most enjoyable for women in a state of pure congruence. Be open and honest before tension rises. Be proactive in recognizing your own incongruence. In a world where perfection isn’t real, just make sure your actions match your words — that will inspire any woman to follow you, love you, and share her world with you.

This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.

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