Editor’s note: This post is written in the Queen’s English as the author is Australian.
They say that breaking up is hard to do. What if it could actually be easy?!
Whether you’re in a relationship, are looking to start one, or in the midst of ending one, what if it didn’t have the challenges that most people believe it has to? To have it be easy, you have to be willing to be you no matter what.
Last year I ended an eight-year relationship. It was a great relationship, we didn’t have any horror stories, we never fought; we just knew it was time to be done. Even so, breaking up could have been a messy endeavor. We had global businesses and properties together that could have been a nightmare to address. We really had to choose a different way of doing breakup.
The key was that we knew in order to have what really works for you, you have to choose to be you. It sounds simple, but what does that actually mean?
Being you is about never giving yourself up for anyone or anything. How often do you go along with someone else’s idea of how you should or shouldn’t be? Whether you’re choosing that based on your partner, your family, your culture, or anything else, when you’re doing what’s expected, you’re not being you. And as soon as you give up being you, you eliminate the choice to have something greater for your life.
What does it take to be you no matter what?
Stay out of conclusion.
One of the biggest ways we limit ourselves in all aspects of our lives is to go into conclusion about virtually anything and everything that’s occurring. We decide how we should be, how things should look, what we should feel, and so on, endlessly. All of those conclusions totally lock you into limitations.
What have you concluded about you or your relationship that cuts off greater possibilities? Really take a look at that. Who are you being? Your parents? A childhood fairy tale? If you were truly being you, would you be duplicating the choices of anyone or anything else?
When you’re living through conclusion, you’re performing what you’ve decided relationship is or should be. In truth, you are a dynamic, infinite being with infinite choices available. What would you like to choose?
Be in question.
Questions are the antidote to the limited life and relationships that conclusions create. They’re essential for having anything be easy.
What if you woke up every day and asked, “Who am I today and what would I like to create?” If you’re currently in a relationship you could ask, “What can we choose today that will create greater for us both?”
Asking questions is how you open up possibilities. If you’re feeling heavy or challenged, ask, “What’s right about this that I’m not getting,” or, “What would create more ease here?” Ask and be willing to have a new awareness. Let go of the conclusions and let in something different.
Since ending my relationship, I’ve been asking what I would like to create with my life now. I’m really exploring what else is possible. True questions aren’t about eliminating anything or anyone. They invite in a whole new space of possibility for your life and allow you to acknowledge what works for you.
Don’t take anything personally.
You may have noticed that most people don’t get that they can choose things to be easy. Look around; this world loves its trauma and drama! Don’t expect anyone else to choose what you know is possible, and don’t take personally whatever it is they choose instead.
This can be especially challenging to keep in mind when going through a breakup. However, even if you’ve made loads of choices that weren’t the smartest, how anyone else chooses to respond or be is based on their points of view. It’s not about you.
A few months after my breakup I discovered that my ex was seeing someone I’d been friends with from long before he and I had been together. The part that really got me was that they lied about it. I knew it was happening but it took a while before they admitted it. There was a moment amidst my anger where I wanted to go into this story about what was wrong with me. Fortunately, I had the tools to move past that. It wasn’t about me; nothing anyone else does is.
Never make yourself less or wrong no matter what anyone else is choosing. It’s not about you; it’s not personal.
Choose what works for you!
My former partner and I have met with our accountant multiple times over the last year to look at what changes we need to make. After I’d learned about his lie, I indulged the idea of taking everything – the houses, the business, everything. But even though it felt really good to think about for a bit, it didn’t match the energy of what I want to create and be in the world. I knew being me meant choosing something different.
One of the things we acknowledged is that we’re really good at creating wealth together. Why would we destroy that just because we broke up the relationship? It doesn’t make sense according to how relationship and breakup are supposed to be, but we’re choosing to create together because that’s what works for us.
What works for you is what works for you; nobody has to get it. Something like having an easy breakup might sound crazy, but if it’s what you’d like to choose, then do it! This is your life. What would you like it to be like?
Being you–in and out of relationship–is the greatest gift you can give anyone. If you were truly being you, what would you choose?
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